The Good and the Bad

First the good, today is the shared birthday of my friends Michelle O. and Fabian.  Happy b-day to both of you.  


Now for the bad ... today Michelle P.'s step-dad Ted has passed away.  He's lost his short battle to the cancer; unfortunately, it was fairly advanced when diagnosed.  Wish I was there - and I was serious Mich, if you need me to come out to help with the kids so you can be with your mom just let me know and I'll be on a plane before you know it.


And for the mediocre ... I've been feeling rather unmotivated, blase, ambivalent about work since returning.  I know it's only been two weeks, I was just off for 8wks so really what do I have to complain about.   That's my point, I just don't get it, or should say didn't get it but I today I realized something.  Now don't get me wrong I'm not depressed in that sense, it's just that things at work weren't going as I had hoped / expected in the fall before I started my leave and I guess I was looking forward to a fresh start when I returned on the 19th.  Unfortunately, I returned to less than ideal situation, unhappy team members, and a file query more like a novel from my new manager - how to say Welcome Back! 


It's just a combination of things ... Dave's dad (Tom)- while he's holding his own he doesn't have much for quality of life, Dave's mum (Margaret) - now she's in the hospital.  Called Keith (Dave's middle bro) saying she had chest pains the other night.  At first the thinking was Pancreatitis, then Gall Stones, now the Gall Bladder looked normal on the ultrasound so perhaps Kidney Stones is the current thought.  On the upside she's in the same hospital and shuffles down the hall to visit him dragging her IV pole.  Also, Dave's uncle Pete (Margarets bro in-law) was given a couple months to live at Christmas.  Not surprising as Pete's been battling various cancers over almost 10 years, but the last year or so has not been kind to him and it's never easy.  All that on top of Shana's breast cancer diagnosis last summer and while hers was early and she's doing well it's just weighing on my mind.  And Ted, who we also knew was on the downside, but one always hopes but unfortunately the outcome isn't in our control.  


All of that on top of what I just realized and what is the underlying trigger to my general malaise (I'm hoping that's all it is!) ... the 2nd anniversary of my mom's death is almost here.  And while I'm grateful for her quick and easy passing it is still difficult to think of those final weeks we spent together.  I still miss her, less each day, but there are times I still catch myself wanting to pick up the phone to hear her voice, to tell her about something I read or saw, or just to yak about the weather.   I think my body and subconscious are reliving memories and experiences from two years ago - I'm not sleeping well and I'm just kinda BLAH! 


Hopefully I'm not bumming anyone else out ... I find this blogging thing to be cathartic.  Michelle & Shana always give me a hard time about being so "strong" and bottling everything up.  This helps and I don't have to actual "talk".  It's like a good cry ... everyone needs one from time to time, and the best ones happen out the blue for no real reason.  


So here's to working through this and I'm trusting that towards the end of the month I should be back on track.  PMA as Dave says - Positive Mental Attitude!